Only human

Christina Perri sings her song “Human”… mainly about a relationship, and sometimes faking your way through it.  But every time I hear it, it reminds me of my own life right now… having nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with putting on a front. 

I’ve said this before, my job on tv is not to be “Debbie Downer”.  So I’ve created a fun little place where I can bury a lot of the stuff going on in my life. I admit, I overuse it.  I’m really good at stashing away my problems at work, and keeping them stashed so I don’t have to think about them the rest of the day.  The trouble is, that box gets too full and I start feeling the effects mentally and physically.

A horrible head cold took over my house last week.  I’ve been so busy stashing away the things that stress me out, and finding new projects to keep me busy that I didn’t give myself time to stop, sit down and rest.  The result was a head cold so bad that I couldn’t breathe or sleep for a week, and the onset of overnight anxiety attacks.  I’d wake up to blow my nose, then couldn’t fall back to sleep for 3 or 4 hours.  When you have to wake up at 2:30 a.m. for your job everyday, that’s not a good thing.  My throat hurt so bad that eating and drinking were not appealing.  I got dehydrated enough that I had a few contractions.  Nothing consistent, but enough to make me bring it all up at my doctor’s visit Monday.

I nearly broke down in tears at her office (thank you, in part, pregnancy hormones) because I then started listing all of the things that were going on in my life and stressing me out.  I opened the box.  

I’m glad I did.  It was a good reminder that I’m only human.  I can only put on an act for so long, before my problems build up and break me. 

Too much anxiety is not good during pregnancy.  And when you’re at risk for preterm labor, like me, it only adds to the problem.  Some studies have even shown that extra stress can lead to a preterm delivery.  So, my doctor says time to stop adding on projects, and if the anxiety continues, then seeing a therapist would be a good option.

I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my son is healthy when he arrives.  So, as hard as it is to take a few steps back… it’s time to do that.  I can’t keep burying my problems, because I’m only human.

Every pregnancy is truly different

It’s so true, every pregnancy is different.  Even with uterus didelphys! And who knows why.  It finally looks like my morning sickness is starting to go away! I’ll go several days now where I don’t throw up in the morning, before having another sick day.  At 20 weeks I’ll count that as a win.  I was sick through 24 weeks with my daughter Hannah.

My last doctor’s appointment went really well, too! Every week I’ve just been waiting for that other shoe to drop.  But so far, nothing.  It was around this time with my last pregnancy that I had my cerclage put in.  And it’s not like we’re dealing with a different side.  This is the same uterus I was pregnant in last time.

At my appointment, the perinatologist said, “Your cervix is not the longest in the world, but over the last 3 weeks it looks the same.  So I’d say it’s stable.” Honestly… that’s shocking news to me.  I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  My pregnancy with my daughter was just SO different.  But I’ll take it… it’s holding strong at 2.6 cm.  

When I asked her why it’s so different this time around, she said because every pregnancy IS truly different.  We don’t know why.  We can guess… but we really will never know why.  I also readdressed my concerns about getting past the 24 week mark, and then not being able to have surgery.  My doctor told me that there’s a lot of evidence that suggests that making it through 24 weeks without your cervix giving way is a sign that it’s not going anywhere until that baby is ready to come.  

If I do make it to that 24 week mark, then just like last time, I’ll count my milestones as I get them.  Celebrating as I make it to 28… 32… 36 (hopefully). 

All of that being said, we still have to get to 24 weeks.  I hit 21 weeks in a couple of days… so we have a little ways to go.  But this is promising news!  

It’s also very nice having doctors who have been through a tough pregnancy.  They get it.  I feel like they truly understand my feelings, because they’ve been there.  And for me, when they’re not freaking out, it’s easier for me to not freak out. It’s not that I don’t trust the other doctors that I’ve seen… I just trust these people more, because I can relate to them.

So here’s to another week! Maybe this time around will be a lot different form the last.  Goodness only knows I could bear a pregnancy that had a little less drama! 

Oh, one last crazy fact I recently learned… My next huge milestone is to make it to 24-25 weeks.  That’s when my baby will have a chance to survive, in case he decides to come early.  In other places, babies have a chance of survival as early as 22-23 weeks, because they’re at sea level.  Even with all the special equipment, we just don’t have enough oxygen to support those little guys here in Denver, CO.  

Disappointed watching “Discovery Fit and Health”

It’s taken me some time to sit down and write this after I watched a program on Discovery Fit and Health over the weekend.  Mostly because I was so angry while watching it, I wanted to throw my tv out the window. Plus, I’ve been trying to figure out who or what I’m most upset at.

It’s not a channel I usually watch.  My guess is my daughter got a hold of the channel changer and randomly put it on there.  Regardless, I happened to catch the program “Strange Pregnancies”.  This time, they featured a woman with Uterus Didelphys.  Obviously I was intrigued.


Like many women out there, this woman, sadly, experienced a miscarriage.  She rushed to the hospital, only to find there was nothing they could do.  But, she did find out she had two uteri! Her doctors then explained to her that this was the reason for her miscarriage.

What?!?! This was the first point I started yelling at the television.  Here was a young woman, devastated after losing her child, finding out something that is quite shocking, and she now believes she can never have children. All of this happened after one visit to the ER??

Every uterine anomaly is different.  Two people with Uterus Didelphys will have slightly different variations.  So, it’s plausible that someone’s uterine lining is too thin, and that there could be problems, they could micarry.  But finding something like that takes time.  My problem is with the blanket statement of “women with Uterus Didelphys can’t ever have children”.  

Many women out there desperately want to have a child.  The thought of never being able to carry a baby tears into your soul.  I remember after my first two miscarriages how awful I felt.  I felt like less of a woman.  My body couldn’t do what women are genetically made to do… carry a child.  Having severe endometriosis, I know what it’s like to be told “you may not be able to get pregnant on your own.” So, I get angry when women are told information that just isn’t true.  

I wish someone could have told this woman, who was in tears explaining her condition, that there are many, many women out there with Uterus Didelphys who have been able to carry and have healthy children.  Sure, we have a riskier pregnancy, and we have to be watched because no one can be sure how your uterus will react… but it’s not impossible!! Far from it! 

I remember, when I first moved to Denver I went to a specialist at University of Colorado Hospital… just to get my foot in the door there.  He told me that of all the uterine anomalies, having Uterus Didelphys was the most extreme… but the best anomaly to have if you wanted to have kids.  I was never told that I could never have children.  I was, however, told that because of my anomaly when it was time to start trying to have children, that I had a different time frame before seeking help.  Most women have to wait through a full year of trying before a fertility specialist will see them.  I only had to wait 6 months.

I ended up seeing a fertility specialist.  It was taking us a while to get pregnant, and in the process I had 2 miscarriages.  But those miscarriages had nothing to do with my two uteri. I had a lot of other things going on.     

The woman in the show went on to have twins! One baby in each uterus… which is VERY rare!! And she carried “miraculously” to 33 weeks. Her doctors were shocked and thrilled.  

In the end, I wish this woman had been better informed.  And I REALLY hope “Discovery Fitness and Health” stops playing this story.  I’ve already posted a message on their facebook page.  As it is, it continues to misinform women who may be newly diagnosed with Uterus Didelphys.  Women who don’t need to sit there, feeling scared and hopeless. 

Stinky McPooperson and Her Fabulous Fashion Sense

Early yesterday morning, young Hannah had to go to the bathroom. Still in diapers, it was an easy thing to do, yet made her feel slightly uncomfortable. To make herself feel better Hannah decided, “I’ll clean it out myself!” So she stuck her hands down her diaper and pulled out what felt like sticky, mushy goo. “Oh my!” Thought Hannah “this is interesting… And it’s colored! I bet it would look awesome on my clothes!” Like finger painting, it went on with ease. Hannah was having so much fun, she decided to decorate the floor while she was at it! 

Then, All of a sudden she was getting swept off the ground! “No Hannah!” Said her teachers as they vigorously washed her down. “Poop is not for play. Now we have to change your clothes." 

Hannah had no other option but to dress like a child from the Sound of Music (minus the suspenders). We think her make shift tail so the shorts don’t fall off really completes the ensemble. The end.

I am so glad I was not the one who had to clean that up!!


So, I still don’t feel awesome… But, they squeezed me in early and the cervix measurement was just under 3 cm. Everything looks great!  What a relief!! No surgery for me! (This week anyway)

I feel a little like the girl who cried wolf… but everyone at the hospital assured me that they’d rather me come in and it be nothing, than not say anything and it be something really bad.  They’re right… my baby is not worth that risk.

Why am I still experiencing some pain? A couple of guesses… this little guy is growing fast! 

imageGreat profile shot… head is on the right.. body to the left. 

He’s measuring in the 89th percentile for growth.  They’re guessing he weighs around 12 ounces.  Because he’s growing so quickly, my uterus is accommodating by stretching, and that’s causing more round ligament pain than I’ve experienced thus far.  Round ligament pain can be a shooting pain that travels places you really don’t want to think about. 

Also right now, he’s head down.  I’d prefer he stay that way, but we’ll see. He apparently is quite the mover.  He would not sit still for the ultrasound.  I can guarantee I’m going to be sore tomorrow based on the amount of pushing and prodding we had to do to get the pictures we needed.  So, it’s very likely he’s also been punching and kicking my cervix, which like round ligament pain, is not a joyful experience.

He had a great heartbeat, all of his organs were in tact, every finger and toe was accounted for and he had normal measurements in every area they looked. 

The doctor said he looks perfect.  It looks like I’m off the hook for another week! 

19 weeks… Not a great day :(

Trying to take it easy between hits at work today. 

Well, we’re at 19 weeks… about the same time we found out I would need a cerclage while pregnant with my daughter.  And I’m not gonna lie.  I don’t feel good this morning. The baby feels really low.

I’m just uncomfortable.  Sometimes I feel sharp pains down low… but mostly I’m uncomfortable, especially when I’m standing or walking.  I’ve talked with my doctor, and she wants me to try and take it as easy as possible.  We’ll see what it means for my cervix at my appointment at 1:30.  Quite honestly, I don’t know what it means.  It could mean my cervix is shorter… maybe it’s just round ligament pain.  But I do know that this is the worst I’ve felt so far.

This scares me.  I’ve been thru it all before, but it still scares me.  I just want everything to be ok.  

I’ll have an update later today on how the doctor’s appointment goes.  On the positive side… we get a full scan of the baby today! Measurements and everything! They usually let me look at the baby anyway, but this is the first size update I’ve had in a while.  Yay!  

Resting with my fingers crossed.

Labor and Delivery… and my tour of the NICU (this is a long one)

When the University of Colorado Hospital offered me tours of both Children’s Hospital and the NICU at UCH I happily agreed.  And both experiences were harder than I expected. 

Touring the NICU hit a little closer to home for me.  Uterus didelphys puts me at greater risk for delivering a preemie.  Even though I had gotten my cerclage at 19-20 weeks with Hannah, I still had doctors that were skeptical I would make it past 28 weeks.  When I did, they were surprised.  I did a little happy dance when I surpassed 32… and EVERYONE was ecstatic when I hit 38. 

What they told me last time, and I’m sure they’ll tell me again, is that the cerclage, or sewing your cervix shut, will not stop labor.  If you’re going to have the baby, your going to have the baby. They schedule to have the stitch taken out around 36-37 weeks, but if there is bleeding or extreme pain before then you need to get yourself to the hospital ASAP. 

So there I was, standing at the door to the NICU, looking at all of the tiny babies clinging to life. The smallest baby was just 10 ounces. The nurse giving me the tour was super friendly.  When she asked why I was there, we explained this blog… and then I told her about my uterus didelphys.  No other explanation was needed.  She said they get a lot of women with uterine abnormalities delivering preemies there.  And there sat another reason why I chose this hospital.  I didn’t have to explain. They just knew.

I put on my yellow mask and we looked at the rows upon rows of beds available.  Most babies will enter the NICU if they are early, experiencing a major/life-threatening problem, or weigh less than 4 lbs.

imageTiny machines for tiny babies

imageLittle spaces to reach in and touch your baby

These babies get help for just about everything you can think of. They even have specialists available to help your baby continue to develop, as if they were still in the womb… from learning reflexes, to staying in the curled up position they like to be in, in mommies tummy.  How cool is that?! They mimic what it’s like in mommy’s tummy to help these babies survive!

imageDarkness and quiet are great for these little ones.  This baby is getting treated for jaundice… common in preemies.

Parents must go through so much to be with their child day in and day out while they lay helpless in what look like little incubators. Just wearing the yellow mask was enough to make me feel faint and nauseous as I breathed in and out my own hot air.  But I guess once your child is in there, your needs don’t matter anymore.  Just theirs. If you have to wear the yellow mask, you wear it… and you’re happy to wear it and be there. My heart goes out to all the parents who go through this. You are my heroes.

My last stop of the day: Labor and Delivery. A totally different emotion took over as I stepped back onto the 5th floor of the hospital. It was such an exciting time to be there as I got ready to deliver my daughter. We were safely at 38 weeks, my water broke on it’s own, and labor was progressing at a great pace. We got to welcome in the GREATEST little human that day.  A huge smile spreads across my face just thinking about the day my son will arrive! 

Now, their facilities are not as nice as the brand new ones at Children’s.  But you still get a bathtub, shower, tons of space, sleeping room for dad… and for you brave souls who want to experience a water delivery, they even have enough space to set up that small pool in the room to accommodate you. I salute you ladies! I couldn’t have done it without my epidural.  Those contractions during transition were way too much for me.

imageEnough space for the water delivery pool.

imageYou can barely see the fold out couch/futon for dad… I’ll be in that bed thankyouverymuch!

Now I just need to make it to full term. I don’t care how swollen I get. I don’t care how uncomfortable I feel, this baby can hang out for as long as he wants! I’m in no rush to get him out.

My next appointment is Tuesday.  We’ll see how my body is doing then. But I know I’m in good hands. For anyone who may need care themselves… here’s a link to UCH’s website:

The hospital is also following my pregnancy on their facebook page: I cannot thank them enough for helping me get the word out about what it’s really like to live through a high-risk pregnancy.  If you LIKE their page, you can get more updates on me, health news, and even some crazy tidbits about their doctors. Ha!

For now, it’s back to vacation, and enjoying the silence for a sleeping toddler!