Only human

Christina Perri sings her song “Human”… mainly about a relationship, and sometimes faking your way through it.  But every time I hear it, it reminds me of my own life right now… having nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with putting on a front. 

I’ve said this before, my job on tv is not to be “Debbie Downer”.  So I’ve created a fun little place where I can bury a lot of the stuff going on in my life. I admit, I overuse it.  I’m really good at stashing away my problems at work, and keeping them stashed so I don’t have to think about them the rest of the day.  The trouble is, that box gets too full and I start feeling the effects mentally and physically.

A horrible head cold took over my house last week.  I’ve been so busy stashing away the things that stress me out, and finding new projects to keep me busy that I didn’t give myself time to stop, sit down and rest.  The result was a head cold so bad that I couldn’t breathe or sleep for a week, and the onset of overnight anxiety attacks.  I’d wake up to blow my nose, then couldn’t fall back to sleep for 3 or 4 hours.  When you have to wake up at 2:30 a.m. for your job everyday, that’s not a good thing.  My throat hurt so bad that eating and drinking were not appealing.  I got dehydrated enough that I had a few contractions.  Nothing consistent, but enough to make me bring it all up at my doctor’s visit Monday.

I nearly broke down in tears at her office (thank you, in part, pregnancy hormones) because I then started listing all of the things that were going on in my life and stressing me out.  I opened the box.  

I’m glad I did.  It was a good reminder that I’m only human.  I can only put on an act for so long, before my problems build up and break me. 

Too much anxiety is not good during pregnancy.  And when you’re at risk for preterm labor, like me, it only adds to the problem.  Some studies have even shown that extra stress can lead to a preterm delivery.  So, my doctor says time to stop adding on projects, and if the anxiety continues, then seeing a therapist would be a good option.

I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my son is healthy when he arrives.  So, as hard as it is to take a few steps back… it’s time to do that.  I can’t keep burying my problems, because I’m only human.

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